The final weeks and months of 2024 in the United States will be characterized by escalating levels of conflict of opinions and worldviews. Unless you live under a rock, you’ll experience some degree of charged emotions as people recalibrate after the national election results are determined. In times of profound disagreement, it’s important to have the necessary communication skills and nonverbal vocabulary to manage anxiety and uncertainty successfully.
As a public speaking coach, I recognize that listening skills are equally important to speaking. Most people instinctively listen to another person while waiting for their turn to speak. “Toppers” as they are called engage in one-sided conversations which skew towards their own views and ideas versus a true exchange.
Listening loudly helps steer the conversation away from blame and defensiveness and toward understanding and problem-solving. By focusing on what the other person is saying, rather than how it affects you, you create a more constructive dialogue. This shift in focus allows both parties to see the conflict as a shared issue to resolve together.
One technique used to listen loudly is called reflective listening or looping. According to the Center for Understanding in Conflict, looping requires you to step outside of your perspective, listen carefully, and actively work to understand the other person. This helps create a safe environment where both parties feel valued and understood. People are less likely to become defensive or escalate the conflict when they feel genuinely respected.
The looping technique systematically cycles through a process of speaking, listening, confirming, and clarifying. It enables individuals to “loop back” through a conversation until all parties agree on what was said and how it’s understood.
Here are six ways to loop your conversations and de-escalate conflict.
1. Show visible engagement.
Maintain eye contact, nod, use facial expressions, and provide verbal affirmations like “I see,” “Go on,” or “I understand.” These actions reinforce that you’re actively engaged in the conversation.
2. Reflect on the content and emotions.
Looping involves mirroring both the speaker’s content and their emotions. For example, if someone says, “I feel overwhelmed with all the news,” you might respond, “It sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure to make sense of this right now.” By reflecting on both the information and the emotions conveyed, you make it clear that you understand not just the words but the feelings behind them.
3. Ask clarifying questions.
To ensure you fully understand, ask open-ended questions that allow the speaker to elaborate or clarify. Questions like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “How did that make you feel?” invite the speaker to share deeper insights and help avoid misinterpretation.
4. Use nonverbal communication to signal listening.
Nonverbal cues are critical for listening loudly and looping. Besides eye contact and nodding, things like mirroring the speaker’s posture and maintaining open body language also help to communicate attentiveness and empathy.
5. Express empathy through validation.
Validating the speaker’s feelings is essential. You might say, “I can see why you would feel that way,” or “I can imagine your disappointment.” Validating the speaker’s experience lets them know their feelings are recognized and respected, helping to build trust and openness.
6. Paraphrase and summarize.
Periodically paraphrase what the speaker has said to confirm understanding. By summarizing key points, you demonstrate that you’re following their thoughts and allowing the speaker to correct any misunderstanding.
The lopping technique requires practice. During heated debate, it may seem pointless to follow the steps. However, do keep in mind the following words of advice inspired by my wisdom teachers:
- Stay patient: Looping may feel repetitive, but the purpose is clarity, not speed. Give each step the time it deserves.
- Try to remain neutral: Avoid adding your own emotions or judgments into the paraphrasing. Reflect only on what the other person has said.
- Maintain open body language: Reflective listening isn’t just about words. Body language that’s open and calm reinforces a willingness to understand and listen.
- Accept defeat: You’re not going to change someone’s mind. Aim for common ground and neutralize tensions instead.
- Stay curious: Take interest in the other person’s point of view. You may learn something.
- Show respect and tolerance: Model the behavior you want to see reflected back at you.
- Safeguard your well-being: It’s better to be happy than right
- Remember to pause and breathe: A five-second pause and deep breath before speaking when you’re angry will change the outcome.
- Be kind even if it hurts: Kindness can defuse anger no matter how difficult it may seem.
Spiritual teacher Deepak Chopra recommends dealing with election anxiety by using his universal STOP method:
- Stop
- Take three deep breaths and smile into your body. Your body never lies.
- Observe with awareness what is going on.
- Proceed with compassion and awareness.
As humans, we act out of self-interest. Armed with strong communication skills, patience, huge reserves of kindness, and belief in our shared humanity, we may come out stronger on the other side.
