Writing and delivering a eulogy can feel overwhelming, especially during a time of grief. Several close friends of mine have passed recently, all elders who lived rich and consequential lives. It can be difficult to write a eulogy for someone close, as I learned when preparing to honor the life of my dear friend Angelo.
A eulogy is a short speech typically delivered during a funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life. While it’s a deeply personal experience, a well-crafted eulogy can offer comfort to others, observe the person’s life, and help you process your own emotions. Here’s how to write and deliver a meaningful eulogy, with tips to guide you through each stage of the process.
1. Understand the purpose
Before you begin writing, it’s important to understand the purpose of a eulogy. It should:
- Reflect the essence of the person’s life.
- Share personal memories, stories, and qualities that define the individual.
- Provide comfort to those in mourning.
- Celebrate the deceased’s impact on their family, friends, and community.
- Offer a sense of closure and tribute.
With these goals in mind, you can start planning what to include.
2. Gather information and reflect on the person’s life
Start by collecting stories, memories, and qualities that define the person. Talk to family members, friends, or colleagues to gather different perspectives. Think about key moments, accomplishments, or personal traits that stood out. Consider the person’s passions, values, quirks, and relationships. Questions to reflect on might include:
- What are your most cherished memories with this person?
- How did they make a difference in the lives of others?
- What values or lessons did they teach?
- What made them unique or memorable?
These reflections will form the core of your eulogy.
3. Organize the components
Matt Abrahams, author of Think Faster, Talk Smarter, recommends the four-part framework: WHAT.
W – Why are we here. Set the tone with a brief acknowledgment of the reason for the gathering and focus on the deceased and their family.
H – How are you connected? Introduce yourself and describe your relationship with the deceased. This adds a personal touch and helps the audience connect with you.
A – Anecdotes, stories, and personal reflections. This is the heart of the eulogy. Share personal anecdotes and memories that capture the person’s character. Highlight their sense of humor, generosity, kindness, or other defining qualities. You can also incorporate meaningful quotes, poems, or verses.
T – Thanks. Express gratitude and offer good wishes to the family and congregants. End with a message of hope, comfort, or inspiration. You might talk about how the person’s memory will live on or how their legacy will continue through loved ones. A final personal reflection or goodbye can also be powerful.
4. Write with emotion and authenticity
It’s okay to be vulnerable and express your grief, but also include moments of joy or humor if they feel appropriate. A eulogy doesn’t have to be somber throughout—it’s a celebration of life as much as it is a farewell.
Here are a few tips:
Keep it personal but tactful. Share stories that are meaningful to you, even if they seem small. Be tactful not to divulge information or shared experiences that should remain private.
Be concise. Aim for remarks under five minutes long. Too many details or long tangents can be overwhelming. And there may be others speaking after you.
Edit and practice. Read your eulogy aloud as you write to ensure it flows naturally. Consider reading it to a close friend or family member for feedback.
5. Deliver with composure
Delivering a eulogy can be emotional, but with preparation, it’s possible to speak with clarity and composure. Here are some tips for delivery:
Practice. The more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll feel. Familiarize yourself with the structure and wording, so you don’t rely too heavily on your notes.
Breathe. Slow, deep breaths can help calm nerves before and during the speech. Pausing briefly during emotional moments also allows you to gather your thoughts.
Bring notes. Don’t feel pressured to memorize. Written notes or an outline can be reassuring in a case like this.
Speak slowly. In moments of emotion or nerves, we often rush through our words. Speak slowly and allow the audience to absorb what you’re saying.
Be kind to yourself. It’s normal to be emotional during a eulogy—people expect it. Pause to collect yourself; it’s perfectly natural.
Here are three memorable eulogies from popular movies for inspiration. You may be able to find video clips on YouTube:
William Wallace’s Eulogy in Braveheart. Delivered by Robert the Bruce, this eulogy honors William Wallace’s bravery and sacrifices for Scottish freedom. The emotional reflection on Wallace’s courage is both stirring and a call to action.
Eulogy for Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Captain Kirk delivers a heartfelt eulogy for Spock, stating, “Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most… human.” It’s a simple, moving tribute to his friend and crewmate.
Four Weddings and a Funeral (Matthew’s Eulogy for Gareth). Matthew, played by John Hannah, recites W.H. Auden’s poem “Funeral Blues” to express his sorrow for the loss of his partner Gareth, making this one of the most iconic cinematic eulogies.
Writing and delivering a eulogy is an opportunity to reflect on the life of someone you cared about and share that reflection with others. While it may be difficult, it is also a chance to celebrate their legacy. With careful preparation, honesty, and love, you can create a eulogy that honors their memory in a meaningful way.
