With Thanksgiving and year-end holidays approaching, you may be bracing yourself for difficult conversations with family and friends who voted for a different slate of candidates on election day. You may be feeling a bit of déjà vu as you reflect on difficult conversations you had in the past, which may seem like child’s play by comparison with today’s politically charged climate.
You may be on the fence looking for an excuse to uninvite yourself to Tio Pepe’s annual pig roast, a family tradition since you were a child. Or you may choose to step up and face reality. The political landscape will likely be altered for many years to come, and you may not want to make excuses for your absence indefinitely.
Can we disagree and still love each other at Thanksgiving? For me, the answer is yes.
So, if you decide to share the holiday table with people with whom you deeply disagree, it’s worth following some ground rules of diplomacy and civility. Here’s my take on how to embrace these social occasions and come out better on the other side.
1. Practice “ahimsa,” the Buddhist and Hindu principle of respect for all living things and avoidance of violence in all forms. People are fundamentally good and merely act in their self-interest.
2. You’re not going to change anyone’s mind at this stage. People with strong beliefs are locked in for the long term and will change only when their circumstances change.
3. Leave your virtue signaling at home. It’s better to be happy than right.
4. Refrain from labeling someone as good or evil. People are complicated and opinions are nuanced.
5. Always be self-aware; keep your rage in check.
6. Set a goal for the gathering and prepare in advance. Anticipate who will be around the table and their viewpoints. Plan for neutral conversations about shared interests such as sports, food, music, and family memories.
7. Bring an old family album, videos, heirlooms, or keepsake to kickstart conversations about ancestors, shared experiences, and traditions.
8. Participate in group activities. Play board games suitable for all ages. Share in meal preparation.
9. Don’t be afraid to firmly but politely disagree on issues that have to do with peoples’ fundamental humanity. Arm yourself with phrases that are clear and concise like, “That’s not a point I’m willing to argue.” Or “I understand your opinion and I respectfully disagree.”
10. Listen with curiosity. Flex your EQ and listen to understand why others think differently from you and exercise patience. This understanding may help you survive the coming years.
11. Apply the 5-second pause. Stop and stay silent instead of reacting with words you may regret.
12. Choose your words carefully. Don’t overgeneralize by saying “always” and “never.” Avoid aggressive phrases such as “What’s wrong with you? “and “You must be brainwashed.”
13. Use “I” statements that express your feelings without blaming others. For example, “I appreciate your viewpoints, but this is a time to come together and strengthen our bonds of family and friendship.”
14. Watch your body language, facial expressions, volume, and tone of voice.
15. Use humor or change the subject if the conversation gets heated.
16. Focus on gratitude. Harping on the past and projecting a gloomy future will only harm your ability to stay in the present moment. Take stock of your gifts—material abundance, health, safety, good food–and concentrate on your shared humanity.
17. Silence your bombastic uncle with a hug.
18. If all fails, have a strategy to leave the table, move to another activity, or exit the gathering gracefully.
Remember that you can only control your own thoughts and actions, not how others think and behave. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” a reminder to practice self-leadership and walk the path towards harmony.
May your holiday gatherings be filled with cheer, smiles, and common ground with friends, family, and neighbors.
Download this handy tip sheet to manage prickly conversations this holiday season: 18 Ways to Survive Heated Holiday Conversations.
